I have been thinking about something that I am going to guess my Mom and Dad taught us when we were teenagers. It would make sense that they taught it to me and us, my siblings and I, but I don’t have a memory of them sitting down to discuss it with us. I actually have few memories of explicit conversations where they worked hard to put wisdom into us. I think most of the wisdom we gleaned from them came through osmosis, the reality where you learn things and become things simply by being close enough to an influence for long enough. One of the things I am most grateful for in my life is my parents. I often think about how my Dad was a friend to underdogs, I think about how my Mom let herself be moved. When I say that I mean she was available emotionally, intellectually and spiritually to the people and experiences that crossed her path. In all I took from these two quite wonderful yet fragile human beings, I came to understand wisdom that put into words might have sounded like this, “be careful Kathy, your reputation matters, who you hang around with will affect you and others will make judgments about you when they see who you are near, stay close to those who match your cares.” It is the saying “you are known by the company you keep.”
I got a little obsessed by this thought over the last few days and I did a tiny bit of research. I learned there is Scriptural references that reflect this wisdom. In the writing of Paul to the church at Corinth he says, “do not be misled; bad company corrupts good character, come back to your senses as you ought, and stop sinning; for there are some who are ignorant of God – I say this to your shame.” That would have been written about 1,965 years ago, it is a notion that has some history to it and sacredness attached to it.
It was interesting to type into my search engine, “is the saying, “you are known by the company you keep” ever not true?” There were instances where that was so but they were quite specific, like when your employment forces you to spend time with people that don’t reflect your values.
It seems pretty widely accepted that where you have a choice as to who you spend time with you are proclaiming something about yourself by the choices that you make.
It feels like the wisdom in the saying is reliable.
Why am I obsessing about this?
Because I am looking for some guidance in the midst of turbulent times.
I have been mostly off of facebook for the last week, ever since I switched phones and didn’t load the app on my new phone. I just see it when I am on my laptop now. However, I have been privy to the hot and heavy debate about Charlie Kirk. Some that I hold dear are insistent that he is a faithful Christian and his death equates to a great loss for the Christian community. Others hold a very opposite position. When research is done to see what the story is, to try and come to my own conclusion, there is confusion to be found. There are clips of him voicing things that are really unsettling. He says things that I hope I would never be found saying. Those who defend him say that those clips are taken out of context and when the context is given his words make sense. I did a little looking around for the context when he said he hated empathy. What I read did not lead me to have confidence one way or another about who this man was and what he offered the world. I found myself thinking about what is expected of us leaders. I say “us leaders” because Charlie Kirk and I have the shared experience of standing in front of crowds and speaking and hoping that our words made a difference. As a speaker I know that role comes with some accountability. I have an oath to God to constantly seek to be faithful in my words and I rely on the movement of the Holy Spirit for guidance and the courage to say what needs to be said. I am sure that when I speak I regularly leave some confusion in my wake. As a preacher it would be unusual to have all people follow all the time, but that confusion is different than speaking in such a way that people get offended by what I say. I am certain that has happened too, especially at funerals where people of different faith perpsectives gather. I don’t think I have ever said something from the pulpit that gave a completely different message than I intended. If I did and there was social media commentary on it it would give me the chance to clarify what I meant. I did an internet search looking for examples of times that Kirk took the chance to clarify what he meant. I didn’t find any reference to that. I didn’t look for a long time but tried a few different search questions to unearth what I was looking for but nothing came up. So there was nothing to answer to my hope that as a leader with impact he would correct and clarify the messages people were taking away from his comments that seem to reinforce the oppression of black people, women and many others. Perhaps there are lots of examples of him trying to clarify his words so that he more closely lines up with the way of Jesus. If they are there I could not find them.
In the context of pastoral care I have said things that I needed to apologize for, once when I was a student and I was flustered and a little bit stupid and I told a woman “I had come to visit to bring God to her.” She informed me quite clearly that she didn’t need me to bring
God to her, that God was already there….. of course she was right. I apologized. In another case I made assumptions that led me to say things that hurt some people and I was most definitely called to account for that. Difficult conversations ensued. I was not given a free pass because I hold the role I do. I was expected to answer for what I said, and how what I said didn’t meet the moment. These experiences inform me. They make accountability normal to me and I am also a bit resentful, if I with my puny circle of influence must be accountable how can it be okay for another Christian leader with influence too broad to track be given a pass when, for example, he names four successful and high profile black women and insists they are affirmative action picks. If he didn’t mean to imply that they actually could not possibly be capable enough for the roles they fill, because of the color of their skin, despite the advanced degrees and volume of life and work experience they held, if he didn’t mean to imply that, he should have chosen his words more carefully and tried to state what he actually meant when he realized he had been misunderstood.
So I am struggling. I am resenting double standards. I am confused by the information I have access to. I also wonder why this even matters to me. Let it go Kathy. Maybe what I am really working through is the question “what makes for a strong witness for Jesus Christ in the world?” There is a folk song we used to sing a lot that includes the line, “and they’ll know we are Christians by our love, by our love, yes they’ll know we are Christians by our love.” Somehow that lyric is inspiring but not exactly helpful, it’s a bit vague, the definition of love could be debated enough to make that criteria just another thing to fight over. So I am winding my way back to those moments with my parents when the wisdom “you are known by the company you keep” somehow founds its place in my head. Charlie Kirk and Donald Trump were tight. Donald Trump and Jeffry Epstein were tight. Jeffrey Epstein was notorious, he was tried and convicted for running a sex trafficking ring involving underage girls. Even if Donald Trump was not part of the abuse of that, he was part of Epsteins circle of close friends, he presented himself as being comfortable with who Epstein was. That is the man that Charlie Kirk stood by. At the time of his assassination he had a pile of hats beside him with the number 47 on them, this was a very vivid moment where he demonstrated his eager willingness to be associated with Donald Trump. That is too much for me, because of what it says about his character. I grieve Mr. Kirk’s death and what it means for his family, I grieve what his assassination means for our shared culture, I am sad for him that his life was cut short, but that is as far as I can go. I cannot give him hero status or elevate his status as a Christian. This is where my journey has taken me. I don’t want to be at odds with people I love and I will not tell them how to feel or criticize for what they feel, but for me, in the shifting sand of our life together in North America, it feels like some things hold true and maybe we can agree that love heals, hate divides and you are known by the company you keep.
As Far As The Eye Can See 