Its 6:30am on Friday morning, I feel like apologizing. If I am to say what I am really thinking this is going to be a downer.
We have another bad storm predicted, this one looks worse than last weeks, as the forecast goes. I ran into a friend yesterday at Regina Costco, he had been studying the forecast/radar and his take on things was bad. Worse than Environment Canada’s. Who will be right? Only time will tell. I left Costco and in the three hour drive home I could not shake my stress. So many thoughts.
Its weird the thoughts you have. This will be our third storm in 11 days, the second one being “only” 6 iches of snow. They remain a blessed source of moisture but such a struggle to get it. I have caught myself having jinx thoughts. I got a ring in Victoria last month, when we got home I took off the ring I have been wearing on my right hand since I was ordained, my great grandmas wedding band, and I put on this pretty ring from the gift shop at the Royal BC Museum. I caught myself thinking this week, “ever since I put this ring on the weather has been crappy, this is my fault.” Clearly there is so much wrong with this thinking, starting with the fact that I quite simply don’t have that much power. That jinxy thinking reflects a desire to make order out of the circumstances, everything within me is struggling to explain why we are dealing with a triple pile up of storms. We talk about epic blizzards of the past, they are isolated once every three or four year events, not twice in 11 days. For us this one has potential to be much more impacting because our calving has really picked up speed, we had 20 calves yesterday. One came in the house and Jill helped it out as I was doing the doctor routine in Regina with one of my people. I cannot fathom what tomorrow might bring. Also, how do you keep all the calves well that are already born and established. Mercy.
All of this is really hard for me as a Christian. I don’t have the time and energy to go into all that is stirring in my head, there is alot of wrestling going on. What I do believe firmly is that God is at work to give us strength, help us within and bolster us with a sense of “you are not alone, I am with you.'” What I don’t believe is that if I pray hard enough God will decide to change the weather. Cue the fight with God I had after my 28 year old brother died of cancer. Yeah, this crap runs so deep, this dance with suffering and how I hold it. Through all this I will attempt to live the truth I have been moving towards, God longs for us to be whole, and it happens despite crappy circumstances, not because God makes life easy for me (although as lives go, mine has been pretty golden……cue the well of unending gratitude that I grew up in Saskatoon in the 70s and 80s in a family where there was tons of great wisdom.)
So……I am going to bed tonight beside one of the heroes of the world. A guy who will face down danger, cold, frustration and fear. I have the power to affect the amount of fuel in his tank. How do I max out that potential? I am going to feed one of the more resilient teen men I know, what can I offer that 15 year old to keep him going strong amid the cold, wet, dangerous and frustrating conditions? I will be cooking, vacuuming and/or mopping and /or laundering hourly because of the spring mess on the dogs and the debris on calves. We can only hope the power stays on again, as it did last time. Jill is on the team without a doubt. How can I max out our teamwork effort amid all that life holds? How do I stay strong amid my fear? I am afraid of loss of life, of suffering, I am afraid of the chaos some of the hours ahead will hold. Feck.
So, yeah, just a light Friday morning check in.
In the two days since I published a blog a few things have happened that created some cool pictures or good updates.
My patient of a few days ago, “Little Kiss” is alive and getting stronger. Thankful!
The little calf “Kiev” is doing well. We continue to hold the city Kiev and Ukraine close in our hearts.
Two of our “Up With People” cows calved, Antonio and Amy. Russ is in contact with Antonio despite him being originally my friend. That meant that almost as soon as Antonio was born there were pictures zinging their way to Mexico. Its a small world after all and my heart is smiling.
Thats it for today. The routine of the day must begin. Please pray for our strength, for the instincts of the cows to remain vivid, despite the crazy making wind predicted, for grace to flow however it can. Thank you for everything.