music – As Far As The Eye Can See

The Yellow Brick Road to Fargo

When I was about 11 years old our family went on a holiday. Everyone but my brother Bob was on the trip, he was older and working a summer job so stayed home. One of the very memorable things about Bob was his great stereo and big album collection, he loved music. It was not a surprise then that as we walked in the door after being away for a couple weeks there was music blaring from the basement. I remember hearing it from the front door, noting the lyrics and feeling very amused. Bob was playing one of his Elton John albums and the song blaring was “The Bitch is Back”. No one ever referred to my Mom as a bitch, nor can I imagine that any of us ever seemed to think it. Mom was never mean. So these lyrics didn’t have any accuracy but to my 11 year old brain the fact that these lyrics were belting as we returned home was hilarious. These moments are my first crisp memory of Elton John.

The 1974 album that released the song I found so hilarious.

On Saturday night I was 53 years old, 1200 km from that front door that opened onto Bob’s awesome stereo, and one of thousands at the Fargodome in North Dakota. I was in the same room as Elton John, this man whose music has colored so much of my life. I was thrilled.

I like the story of how we ended up being there, singing along to Crocodile Rock with a very happy crowd.

Late last November I was scrambling for what Christmas gift to get for Jill. She just didn’t need or seem to want much stuff. I began to wonder what experience we could gift her with. I let my mind wander. I remembered that when Elton John performed in Saskatoon, (my hometown), almost 3 years ago Jill was very disappointed that we could could just not get there. At the time we thought that was our last chance to see him and it was a serious disappointment for Jill to reckon with. I can’t remember why she liked Elton John so much, but she did. I knew that Covid had changed his schedule so I googled concert options, you can probably imagine my joy to discover that he was scheduled to be in Fargo, about a six hour drive from our home. Russ and I talked. He thought everyone would want to go, not just Jill and I. So, 4 tickets were purchased, one for a Christmas present and 3 for upcoming birthday presents.

Then Omicron hit.

Shit.

How was this going to work?

Christmas morning dawned. I had taped Jill’s ticket to one of my brothers old Elton albums, wrapped it and put it under the tree. She was happy when she discovered the contents of that gift, but she was not thrilled it seemed. I wondered if the years that had passed had changed her interests a bit. We put the date on the calendar and held our breath to see what would happen with Covid.

In January Elton himself got Covid. However his symptoms were mild, he had to change his Dallas concerts and that was it. Full steam ahead.

I am happy to report that nothing hindered our plans. So Saturday night was alright for a concert and at 6:40pm we were part of a long line snaking our way off the interstate, past the airport in Fargo, towards the Fargodome. It was very fun to be part of a happy caravan.

While the kids waited in line for t-shirts we grabbed a pre-concert selfie.

The concert was great. How long would a 74 year old man sing for? That question left me with a sense of trepidation every time he got off the piano bench. Is he done? No. No he was far from done. This is his farewell tour and he treated his fans to the full meal deal. Over two hours of singing before an encore. It was almost 2.5 hours before we were among the many waiting to climb the stairs to get to the exit. His voice was strong, not perfect but when he hit those characteristic mellow sounds it just made you say, “oh yeah!”.

I stole this and the next image from a review article about the concert.

The stage show part of it was memorable for a few reasons. There was a huge screen behind the stage that allowed us to see close ups of Elton at work.

It allowed me a greater appreciation of his musicality than I have ever had before. I found it hilarious that many times his tongue could be seen slipping out, as if he was concentrating. Last week I did a video challenge with our extended family, as I concentrated on getting my fingers to move to the pattern of the challenge I was seen sticking my tongue out, I didn’t know I did that. So when Elton stuck out his tongue while he worked away at the piano I was amused by what we had in common.

My concentrating moment. Elton’s was not this extreme.

The screen was used to project videos. Some of them were deeply meaningful backgrounds to his songs. Border Song was my favorite of these. The lyric from that song flaming to life so easily in the mind is, “Holy Moses, can we live in peace?”. It was beautifully done.

There were a few songs where the screen hosted a compilation of images and video clips from his lifework, and from the movie “Rocketman” a recent re-telling of his life. Elton really did not chat much from the stage, he didn’t let us in like we might have hoped, but these visuals made up for it. One of our favorites was a quick glimpse of Elton singing on the Muppets, our dvd with those same moments was probably Jill’s first vivid exposure to Elton John.

When the concert was over we were very emotionally satisfied. We had been with Elton John. As we made our way out Jill turned to me and said, “when you gave me my ticket Mom I thought it was really nice, but I thought, ‘it will never happen,’ but it did, thank you so much.” We are slowly claiming back a bit of normal.

I tried for a picture but got a short video after the concert. Jill has a great smile here.

In those same moments I was processing how deeply touched I had been by the music and I said to her, “when we get to the parking lot I am going to need a hug.” That was a super satisfying hug, sealing the emotional impact of the night we had shared.

Morgan loved the concert and so did Russell. But it was because of Jill and I that we were there so my storytelling has focused on us.

Elton’s story is full of suffering amid the victories. He persevered, claimed his own unique way, found sobriety and has kept going to reach his goal of love and family. Perhaps our recent story has similar elements. Pandemic realities have been a big deal. Looking back after two years it feels clear that cancelled plans have taken their toll. Does Jill’s memory of Christmas morning illumine something bigger, that we have become a people that don’t get our hopes up because it hurts too much to have plans dashed? We suffer when we live without hope. Being super corny I find myself wanting to add here…… I guess that’s why they call it the blues.

But………Saturday night reflected the fight. Elton’s fight to be whole and well and our decision to keep fighting the blues and risk getting our hopes up.

Perhaps our big hug was also a celebration, that after all the emotional realities stirring within each of us in those hours and in these two years…. grief, worry, joy, despair and so much more we could sing along with Elton, “I’m still Standing.”

Sweet and Salty

I want to tell you about my morning. I tried to get up extra early to make a batch of fudge for Gina and get a care package ready.

A friend of mine is driving to Victoria, leaving tomorrow and offered to take a box to Gina. I was up early but not quite early enough so I landed into church 10 minutes late, however I was really happy with the care package. Being late I didn’t have time to look over the bulletin to check out what was slated for hymns and stuff. I really enjoyed the service. A theme for worship came from the story of Esther, the phrase “for such a time as this” was well explored and I had new resolve to do what I feel called to do in this time. There was a beautiful piece of music that really brought the message home. So….I was feeling pretty centred when Susan announced the closing hymn. At that point I believe my mask had the effect of turning off any censoring I was inclined to do. I heard her announce it, I looked down at the bulletin to confirm that is what I heard and I said out loud, “well fuck.” I swear too much. I do. I know it and I admit it. I have not enough resolve to do much about it. But looking back on this moment I have decided to have compassion on myself. What information was held in that uttering? Those two words that missed the loop around my brain and came straight from my guts? I think its something like this…. I am in the provincial territory of grief and I am on a calm lake but there is word of a storm brewing. That hymn equated to someone rocking my boat. It was so surprising. I have decided to talk about it because maybe its valuable for people who find words easy to document the journey of grief. A friend of mine is in a similar boat, except that having lost a child his lake is hardly ever calm, but from that boat that rocks to and fro and splashes him all the time, he writes back to the rest of us on shore to say, “this is what its like”. I find him brave. So, here are some words, maybe sent to those on other lakes in the province of grief, is this what its like for you too?

The hymn was VU #639, it will forever be a legendary number in my mind, because back when I was a brand new minister I would go over to our organist’s house for visits. We might have been at the care home for a service and land back at her place for tea and some ultra delicious baking. Her name was Mae and she was a profoundly good musician. Invariably we would end up in her music room, she would search a song from her memory and see if I could sing it. She had memorized several of the new hymns in our then new hymn book before macular degeneration affected her. Number 639 was one of them. She loved it. It was peppy and she rocked it, every time. It is called “One More Step Along the World I Go” and the repeating line is “and its from the old I travel to the new, keep me travelling along with you.” I have always loved being with older people, I love tea and baking, I love music and I needed a Grandma presence in my life. My times with Mae as co-worship leaders at the care home, with the debrief after, were precious to me. Mae passed away maybe 10 years ago now. It was darn hard. I believe, if I remember right, that I sang that song at her funeral. I have sung it in church many times since Mae passed. I ALWAYS think of her but never before have I been prompted to swear.

It turns out my body is pretty smart. I am most definitely in the territory of grief and there is a storm brewing and I maybe inherently know that I can hardly tolerate any rocking of the boat with that storm on the horizon. If I had let myself finish the sentence maybe I would have said, “oh fuck, here it comes, I’m going under.” I think what my heart and guts were keeping track of was what my brain had been working on that morning. I made fudge today. I did so knowing it was the exact recipe I made exactly one year ago today when I was helping Mom and she wanted to make a gift for my niece who was being confirmed at Church.

I documented Mom as the main character in “when you are a Kyle, fudge is a love language” fall episode of 2020 with lots of pictures. This one is delish looking.

I was wearing my Mom’s robe as I cooked, not because I was wallowing in my memories but because I wear it every day, it is so perfectly comfortable. I have so many pictures of her in it though.

Fudge making for one we love, the fall 2021 episode.

I smelled my Mom’s perfume in the house randomly this week. So did one of the kids. Many anniversary days are coming up in the next few weeks. I think I am working hard in my mind to manage the implications of just everything. As I headed off to church today I was surprised at how well I was doing. Then that hymn. Here is the thing that got me through. First, I still love the song, so I just threw myself into it. Second, it was funny. I am an ordained minister and I was definitely misbehaving by uttering such words in church. I don’t get rebellious very often so I was enjoying being bad with no chance of being caught. (Until I made this confession anyways.) There are some good side effects of masks!

What do I take from all this?

-I think I understand just a little bit better why it is that people avoid church sometimes. Some of our big moments happen within those four walls. Some of the music gets connected to our most joyful and painful times and then random connections happen too and it just gets to be a lot, especially when we don’t know what will trip us up and when.

-The truth is always going to show itself.

-There are life preservers on board any boat, at least there should be. Is humor one of them? I think it was for me today.

-Contrary to what many people have told me, God does not use lightening bolts in church to discipline people. I said that four letter word and it appears I am okay. Instead, I was led to be curious about myself and compassionate with myself. If I can keep that up I think I might just get through this.

My Life

Tonight Russell and I went out on a date, as the rain made the hayfield too wet to work. Yes, rain, I wasn’t sure I was ever going to be able to say that again. At different times as we rolled towards Alameda to meet friends for a double date the song “In My Life” was in my head, one line in particular, it goes like this, “though I know I’ll never lose affection for people and things that went before, I know I’ll often stop and think about them, but in my life, I’ll love you more.” It was funny to arrive at the restaurant and find our friends there and seated at the next table was my singing partner Erin. It was Erin who introduced me to the song and we now sing it as part of our set list. Living in a small area really has its perks, its very fun to accidentally run into people who are important to you. We really enjoyed our meal and our visit, another episode of life feeling more normal again and getting strength from friends. As we pulled into the driveway when we got home, that same line was in my head again, I found myself analyzing what I was really singing and then turned to Russell as I was heading up the walk and said to him, “do you know what I’m singing?” “I am singing that as much as I am missing my Mom and Dad, and I am missing them both alot lately, as much as I love them and always will, I, (and at this point I hit him on the shoulder with the charging cord I was carrying), I love YOU more.” That realization hit me hard. Russell responded very quickly. He said, “well you should.” He followed that up by saying “you have committed your whole life to me, if you don’t love me more you should leave me and find something better.” It was not a confrontative moment at all, it was like a discovery moment, me discovering that as much as my missing is normal, I have something as full and nourishing right beside me, my choice and my life option. This was a reminder maybe, to live in the present. Thats it. Thats what happened.

A 30 second clip of the song in my head.

A picture of my parents I keep on my desk. Dad was 2 years past his dementia diagnosis at this time.

A Liz Griffin picture, Russ and I a year ago this week, when we renewed our vows.

Come for Coffee – If you have time!

Its Saturday morning and I have a bit of time, Saturday morning feels like a time to sit with a cup of coffee in hand for just a bit longer, in my ideal world anyways!

When life is shaped mostly by the rhythms of rural life (versus Covid rhythm) we often have people at our table that we talk to about our cows. Here is what that might sound like if you were hunkered down with a beverage, even if was just hot water, right Donna?

Our spring work is coming along and it is good to get jobs checked off. We are down to about 34 cows left to calve and most others are at their summer pastures. The most notable thing to report about the ranch is that we had a big rain last week, the kind of rain that gives us hope. Prior to that Russ described the conditions as drier than he has ever seen. Now we have hope that dugouts will maybe water cows through the summer, that hay just might grow and that pastures will hold. We shall see. Hope is a powerful thing and that rain delivered it. Calving season has been unusually successful, we have lost very few calves and had lots of twins so most Moms have a baby. Its been quite astounding. It has also meant that our bottle fed calf named “Bob” still has not got his own Mama. We are all getting quite close to our friend through our sharing of bottle duties. I would enjoy showing you this picture if you were here. A glimpse of barn life!

Sandy, you are so curious about Gina. If you were here we might forego the coffee in favor of a bottle of beer! And while here you could ask Gina in person how she has been. She is home for the summer! This was the sight last week when we picked her up from the Regina airport. She landed in a lightening storm, it was with huge relief we saw her plane taxiing up the runway! I have goosebumps writing this.

I recently had a birthday! With Gina’s plane landing late we stayed in Regina overnight and I woke up on my birthday in a hotel with all my kids near. Russ got the day rolling with the celebrating by scheming with the hotel staff to get candles and create this birthday breakfast muffin. I wish that Tara, who lives in Denver, could come for coffee, she has always impressed me with her committment to celebrating birthdays and remembering special days. I think she would be proud of Russell when the stories of this day got told.

I love the silhouettes here and especially how the hats figure into that.

I have 53 years under my belt. I am happy to turn the page on a new year.

My sister Margie has a real goofy side and knows about my enjoyment of Costco, she shares it. I would love having her for coffee and telling her about these silly moments. Maybe anyone who knows Russell can easily imagine them. Our time in Regina was short but a trip to Costco was top priority. We had not been in months and certain items are so great to have. With rain strongly in the forecast we bought a box of industrial garbage bags and bagged everything, including Gina’s luggage. The family work bee to get everything ready in the midst of very heavy winds, get the truck loaded and the carts returned was fun (we were still in the prone to giggle stage of our time away together, the prone to quarrel could have just as easily been at play as we tackled this wrap job which at times was frustrating.) The fun took some typical turns under Russell’s leadership.

We had an extra garbage bag out of the box so Russ and Morg decided to try cart sailing. It went pretty well.

The last big effort of our Regina adventure was the cart race back to the cart barn. I believe that Jill and Russ beat Gina and Morgan by a hair.

We zoomed back to Carnduff and dropped the kids at the rink where all three got their vaccinations. Russ and I went home, checked the cows, put the groceries away and met back up with the kids at Grandma Shirley’s house where she hosted a Chinese Food and Carrot Cake birthday supper. If there is coffee in heaven, and I hope there is, my Mom was possibly spilling hers, out of the sheer thrill she would feel in this vaccine development, also knowing someone was making her girl a great carrot cake.

One of the best gifts of the day…..to go to bed with my kids on their way to being protected from this illness.

Grandma Shirley’s love was a great gift on my birthday.

I am longing for one of those conversations where we dig around in our hearts and talk it out. My cousin and I did the phone version last week, but there is something about the in person version that is best. If you like the dig around in the heart kinds of conversation maybe we would consider the topic I started with Jodi last week. I have been struggling with a sense of doom. I think the dry conditions were a big part of that, but also this is perhaps part of the mental health toll of the pandemic and the hardship, injuries and losses that piled up over the year. I am a woman of faith so to admit that I have a sense of doom feels like a sign of weak faith. I don’t know about that. I just want to be honest. Naming it out loud is maybe part of the process of wrestling with it.

These figurines of my Mom’s remind me of good friendship. They cheered me on in the barn last week.

I really wish I could have my Grandma Kyle come for a cup of tea. She has really been on my mind. Russell has picked me some wild roses from the pastures a couple of times this week. Their scent is so vivid and it is has been a welcome addition to our house where dog related odors have been a bit much this week. The smell of roses reminds me of my Grandma Kyle because she loved all things rose and I quickly am reminded of being back in her home when I smell that rose scent, it was the soap in her bathroom I think. As I worked at my kitchen counter this week, thinking about her, I had something I don’t want to forget come to my mind. It was that to combat my sense of doom I need to broaden my perspective, my Grandma could be a part of that. She lost her first child in infancy, parented her next four children through infancy into teen years while WW2 waged on and then bore her sixth child in the last year of the war. I want to ask her….. What was that like? How did a sense of doom figure into her life? What came about for her after the worst had passed? From my perspective it looked like she lived a long and good life shaped by music, a growing family, much pride in her people and a strong sense of connection to her community and her faith. She had so much to look forward to even as war was waged. Thinking about her inspires me to think that there is much goodness yet to be known and lived and if she could walk through the shadows to get there I can too. Another part of the perspective I seek is my faith. I was reading my Bible that same day I was thinking about my Grandma. One of my favorite chapters invited me to consider Jesus, who endured so much opposition. It made the connection that in considering his experience of opposition, the hearer might not grow weary and not lose heart. What struck me about that was the word “consider”, in other words stop, or at least slow down, and be thoughtful, thought-filled, about those beyond you in space and time, there is more to the story Kathy, and Jesus is part of that, don’t lose heart.

I want to have someone for coffee, I don’t know who, who might talk with me about how weird life is. That on the one hand, in the inner spaces of our days we struggle with things like doom, like anxiety, like confusion and then we put on our outside faces and we go out into the world and we put forth our strong selves, and both things are true. I would tell my coffee partner about how Erin and I had the chance to sing at the farmers market in Oxbow this week. Our first gig since each of us had loss, big loss. We made mistakes, we laughed it off, we enjoyed the time to be with the community and to the outside eye noone would guess that this was a milestone of sorts. We managed to sing one of our really painful songs because Erin is brave. There is one I can’t do yet. We debuted a medley of Bee Gees songs that Erin created and brought a Beatles tune out for the 2nd time, its getting more solid. Its all alot of fun.

I stole a screenshot from the livestream that the Oxbow Arts & Cultural Committee posted of the event.

Gina has been home for a full week now and settled in really well. It has been great to have her home and I admire how she has made the transition from adult living her own big life in a city far away to ranch life under her parents roof. Yesterday we hauled our hot tub west of Estevan for repair (a mistake I made in the cold of January caused inner core damage). It was a road trip for Gina, Russ and I and included a few stops in Estevan. Once we got the tub dropped off it was really fun. Shopping cart antics were again in play, I think its about reclaiming a few minutes of childhood. Russell’s favorite part was when a man looked at our cart which Gina was sitting in and asked him, “what shelf do you find those on?” Russell loves to play and was glad to have someone playing along with their game. He had the chance to quickly reply including these words “my girl is home from university!” It was a good moment. I think this would be the time to have Aunt Karen over for coffee. I think she gets that as much as Russ is a big kid who can play hard, he is wired to be a Dad and bears the weight of the world on his shoulders, and this moment shows how he is keeping it all in balance. She frequently conveys her pride in Russ, she would like to have been there for these moments I think, but a re-telling over coffee would bring some laughs.

I would like to have you over for coffee Arlie, or anyone else who is wondering why I was absent from my blog for so long even when I had a plan for easy posting. After we got a cup of something poured and a bit of chit chat I would have to tell you that I confused myself but I just didn’t feel like blogging. My postcard project, as much as I enjoy it, takes me back to very tender days and I think thats why I just can’t post those as easily as I thought I could. I will get back to that. I have become obsessed with getting life better under control at home. I really mean at my desk. My yard needs lots of love yet. Adding to that my brain was not feeling creative at all, I just didn’t have content bubbling up. Really, I think this is life, things ebb and flow, circumstances shift, our emotions get unruly, we can become rather guarded. And then we wake up one morning, the sun is shining, there seems to be a bit of time, a cup of coffee is calling and you say to yourself, “I think I will go do some blogging.” Being a human is not dull.