gratitude – As Far As The Eye Can See

25 Years Ago

It is 6:06am on May 30th, 2024. I am sitting in the basement of our ranch house, my son Morgan just popped in the door of our laundry room where I have a writing desk, dropped some clothes on the floor, and said, “hows it going Mom?” Upstairs there are five other cowboys, men and women ranging in age from 14-54, they are all taking first sips of coffee, within twenty minutes they are planning to be out the door. The vet and his technician will be here later to semen test our bulls. Our crew is going to get the bulls from pasture and bring them home to the working chute. This set of mammoth animals will turn in at the gate and trot through the yard. This is a pretty normal morning around here.

Twenty five years ago today I woke up in my Aunt Elva and Uncle Larry’s home in Regina. I was single, freshly done my theological training and I was going to attend the final day of the 1999 version of the United Church’s Annual Conference in Saskatchewan. At that conference I was to be ordained. That means that through a special ceremony I was granted a new status. I would no longer be Kathy Kyle, I would become Rev. Kathy Kyle and I would be given the permission and trust of the church to conduct the sacraments of marriage, baptism and communion. I have two memories of the personal preparations for that day. I remember ironing the garment I would wear in the ceremony, my alb, and I remember writing in my journal. Aunt Elva had a beautiful iron and I remember deciding for myself that I would buy myself a similiarly beautiful iron for the alb sessions that lay ahead.

I don’t suppose if someone had been able to give me a fast forward glimpse of this morning, twenty five years later, I could have believed it. My plan that morning was to live with my parents in Saskatoon for one more month then move to the place where the church had assigned me, two little towns called Gainsborough and Carievale. I would spend three years, the minimum requirement of the church at the time, then I would return to Saskatoon. Despite having had some really tough parts to my story, loss and illness in our family, I had experienced many wonderful unfoldings in life and I believed/planned that when I returned to Saskatoon, surely, the job of my dreams would be open and I would become the chaplain I had trained to be. So as this morning dawned twenty five years ago, I had a career plan of sorts, but I didn’t have a personal plan. How does an almost 31 year old woman move to a place where she doesn’t expect to find a mate, work for three years, move again, get settled and employed again, meet Mr. Right and have children before the biological clock has wound down? I didn’t know.

As I sit and ponder what I remember about that day I am struck again by my persistent inability to remember details. I remember it was a powerful experience. I remember that there were two people in the crowd whose feelings I had really hurt, not by being a jerk, just by being human, I think. I remember that many family gathered, some not used to the churchy stuff we were doing, and I felt a little curious and a little worried about how it was going down for them.

I remember my Mom. She was getting her head around the fact that her church was sending her daughter so very far away from her when she needed me. I had spent the prior year helping Mom with Dad’s care as he lived with dementia. I also remember that she had a special gift for me. When her beloved Grandma had died Mom received her wedding band. It was in her jewellery box for eleven years or so, until Mom tucked it into a ring box and brought it to Regina to present to me. My Great-Gram was 32 years old when the United Church was created. She was a church woman through and through, the United Church mattered a great deal to her. Mom presented me with her ring and said, “Grandma would be so proud to have a minister in the family, I want you to have this.” I put it on. It fit perfectly. I have worn it every day since. I call it my ordination ring and it reminds me of the identity and the promises that were part of the vows and the blessings that flowed that day.

Grandma’s band is now paired with a ring purchased a few years ago at a museum gift shop. Perhaps it was only $20, but its interlocking hearts reminds me of the way of life that Russ and I have committed to, as parents, ranchers, community members and spouses.

Other things……

In my first few months on the job in 1999 I led the church at Carievale as we baptised a little girl named Taylor. When I met with her parents to talk over the baptism, explore its meaning and how things would unfold I met her older sister, a small girl who impacted me that fall evening with how much she loved potatoes. This past Sunday I had the chance to baptize that potato loving girl’s first child, the beautiful baby was wearing the same dress that her Auntie Taylor had worn 25 years earlier when we baptized her. Yesterday I popped my head into the kitchen of the Carievale restaurant that Taylor has created. We quickly checked in about the start of preparations for her wedding this coming summer.

The things that unfolded in those days in 1999, meeting a local rancher, finding him to be a person whom I could release all my other plans for, and pursue a life with. Trying to live life as faithfully as possible. This has all meant a longevity of relationships that has seen me through a whole generation of life. Later this summer I will conduct a wedding for the daughter of one of those couples I conducted a wedding for in my first summers as a minister. That will be the first second generation wedding I conduct. Twenty five years truly has passed.

Probably eight minutes before I needed to head out the door to get to the Carievale church this past Sunday I grabbed that alb I wore the day I was ordained. It was wedged into the back of my closet. I only wear it now when I am leading worship where we celebrate baptism or communion. I hung the alb by the door and realized with a little chagrin that the bottom was very wrinkly from the congestion in the closet. I whipped it off the hanger, ran down to this laundry room, yanked out the load that was waiting in the dryer and threw it onto my desk chair, grabbed some wet laundry from the washer and put it in the dryer with my alb, the wet laundry had a job to do, create steam. I returned to find my trick had worked.

Do you remember my Aunt’s high quality iron and my intention to provide that for myself? The dryer trick of this past weekend is telling. Twenty five years after that calm morning where I solemnly ironed my alb, there was not alot of calm. Final sermon preparations were interrupted by the need to unexpectedly go give a calf a bottle, I needed shortcuts like the dryer. Amid the chaos I had something better than a fantastic iron to tackle what was ahead. I had confidence. Born of experience but moreso the knowledge that I am part of a team. Russell is my greatest fan, believing in me and what I do. More than that, I have relied on the movement of the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom, strength, insight and clarity, over and over again as the years have gone by. I have not been let down. More than this my mission has been clarified. I am more convinced than I have ever been that this whole journey, for all of us, is about love. Jesus and I are a team in this. I take my cue from his way of seeing people, versus simply watching them. I take my cue from the fact that he never left anyone out. He stood up for people beat down by many forces in life. He was so smart.

I am still slightly in awe of the events of this day twenty five years ago, I am in awe of the wide variety of experiences it has allowed me and I am excited by the next twenty five years and the teamwork that lies ahead.

My Mom and my ministry mentor, Brian Walton as well as church representatives did the laying on of hands that in my mind was the core blessing of this ceremony. Notice that my green stole is hanging over my Mom’s arm. It would later be placed over me as part of the ceremony.

I received a Bible as part of the ceremony.

My Mom and Dad hosted a family reception at the Hotel Saskatchewan. My Aunt Elva and my nephew Brock are pictured with me here. In this picture the formal ministry continues, Brock recently began his studies to be a minister. His great great Gram would be smiling.

My Mom, Dad and my niece Bobbi-Lynn at the celebration

Russell took this picture at worship this past Sunday as we baptized this sweet girl. Its the same alb and the same stole, but a woman carrying a little more……more pounds, more memories, more stories about carrying my own children while wearing that alb, both in the womb and out, more grey hair and hopefully more wisdom.

A Big Weekend

There are many things that have been taking our attention over recent days. I want to write about them and tell you a bit about how things affect me.

Can I tell you about Friday? We woke up to awful weather, snow falling on top of a good amount of rain, everything was icy and crusty and there was no sun to be seen. Buses were canceled so Morgan stayed home and helped at the ranch. Our goal for the day was to get regular chores done, then wean the grassers (the cows born late in the calving season who will stay with us through next summer). After weaning we needed to give them Ivomec and Vit A & D. After that we wanted to bring in our replacement heifers and take out their calf tags, install their cow tags and give them Ivomec and Vit A & D. The day didn’t go exactly smoothly with weather to contend with so we were very thankful Morgan was around. The problem is that on this particular day we didn’t have the luxury of things going over time. We were due in Carnduff at 6:30 to join friends Russell and Morgan had helped at their cattle sale last week. We were invited to a “thanks for your help” kind of gathering. A gloomy afternoon, a general feeling of struggle, a frustration that we were going to be late had me saying to Russ “can’t we wait to do the heifers?” Its always so hard to weigh what has to be done NOW and what can wait. When is social time and meeting social committments more important than checking things off the list? This is an eternal dilemma for many people. I posed my question to Russ, unsure of how he would be thinking about things. Before too long he said, “we are going to have to miss attending Valarie’s event on Sunday and we will do the heifers then.” It felt so good to be reasonable in our expectations of ourselves. We got to the Flying M on time and enjoyed visiting there, sharing relaxed moments with our friends who had worked so hard for so long. We came home and went straight to bed, anticipating a very stressful day with an early start on Saturday.

Saturday we had the vet coming at 7am to check every adult cow for its pregnancy status. We were very nervous. The word around the area is that pregnancy rates have been lower than average. Its alot of mental work to reckon with that. My brain was wandering to, “what if?” and different scenarios unfolded. What if we had half our herd open, as in not pregnant, not bred…..what would we do? The bottom line I came to is that like everything else we have encountered on this ranch, we will figure it out as it goes. Those first few animals checked leave a person with baited breath, three in a row declared “good” by the vet lets a person breathe a little. It wasn’t long before I realized we were going to be okay. There was not an unfolding disaster. In fact, as the sun rose and flooded our working chute area through our big front door, as the results brought some ease to our thinking, as our crew grew we found the day going smoothly and we had some fun. I find days like this to be a spiritual work-out. I think anytime you reckon with a dance between worry, fear, and gratitude you are in spiritual territory. God and I had quite a few visits through the day.

That was my take on Saturday. Russell’s day was similiar territory of much concern and gratitude but from a different perspective as crew boss. He speaks of the logistics such as recruiting a crew to be on hand, including the vet there were 9 of us. It is no small thing to have all the cows ready to move into the working chute, that meant a 5am alarm, being at the barn and saddling up in order to get cows moved in as early as he, Morgan and Laurie could manage it. His planning worked. Cows were in the alleyway at 7am, extra cowboys were there at 8am for another round up of cows. That means alot of pieces fell into place. From my perspective I see Russ reckoning hard with his feelings of worry, frustration, pride, relief and gratitude and seeking to do so with wisdom. He manages this dance so well that I think most people don’t realize the load he carries, almost constantly.

Saturday night had us freshly showered and excited. For the first time ever we had been invited to Carnduff Filipino Christmas. Russ was thrilled, he has been wanting to attend for years. They had a theme, it was “Cowboy Christmas”, when we were given our invitation these words were said as it was handed over, “we can’t have Cowboy Christmas without the original Carnduff cowboy!” The Filipino community has been a vital and growing part of Carnduff and area for 17 years. Russell is maybe THEIR original Carnduff cowboy, but they didn’t get to see Bill Boyes or Larry Ewart in action. The original Carnduff cowboy goes much further back than my favorite cowboy! The Christmas celebration was vibrant, the hall was full and beautifully decorated and there was much love and joy, much community spirit and cultural pride in the air. It was noisy but it was great to be in the middle of. It really got me thinking about what makes community life healthy. I think our Filipino friends have alot of things figured out. There is something irresistible about good food, warm smiles, joy and caring, about being free to bust loose and be yourself. It was all evident on Saturday night. We left quite early, despite our gladness to be there, the alarm had gone off at 5am and we were whooped.

Sunday morning Russ and Morg did some ranch jobs and I got to go to church in our hometown. I was so torn really. I had awoken early and was going great guns making a Christmas present. I stopped at the absolute last minute, threw on some clothes and got to town. I was glad I did. Despite the fact that our church life is changing I love our little community and the online worship experience we share with Regina is something I am really enjoying.

Sunday afternoon had us doing the job we had put off on Friday. Morg, Russ and I got our replacement heifers through the chute. It went fine, they came in as really nice calves and left as young and promising cattle, their calf tag removed from them and their adult tag, with their lifetime name installed. This year we assigned our replacement heifers with names of restaurants and food we order in restaurants as our theme. It was a pretty fun one to work with. Working at the chute is always awkward for me at first. This is not my background or my strength, their is a bit of a dance that needs to happen as we figure out how best to manage all the various tasks that need to be done. It might seem obvious, but there are subtle variations that get figured out such as who has free partial moments to load taggers or syringes? If we can all be flexible and jump in to make each others work go more smoothly we can really become like a well oiled machine. It is often overwhelming for me at the start and feels pretty fantastic by the end. There is such a feeling of accomplishment. There is also a sense of learning, again and again, that chipping away at a big job, like putting the whole herd through the chute, one by one, will eventually see the job getting done. I think about this life wisdom every time as we are living it out.

After working pretty darn hard all weekend and spending the afternoon on tags with restaurant titles and meals Russ declared that we needed to go out for supper. We did. We were back at the Flying M, where some of our favorite Filipinos connect with us as they run the restaurant. It was a great way to end the weekend. But we were not quite done yet. We basically invited ourselves to cousin Laurie’s house afterward, where he and Lynn hosted us for drinks at their Tiki Bar and shared their fresh baked shortbread cookies. They were delicious.

Here are a few pictures from the days we had.

This was my workshop for creating tags this year, my laundry room desk. Thursday evening was consumed by this, three coats of ink on each tag takes a long time.

I caught a very cuddly moment between Morgan and Buster.

The scene Friday morning as Morgan headed out for work.

This was the scene as Russ, Morgan and Laurie headed into the valley after lunch on Friday to gather up the big herd of cows and get them close to home in preparation for the next days work. This was the second herd they had moved on this rough weather day. The morning included getting the late calves and their Moms in for weaning. You can see the guys on horseback at the middle left of this picture. It was the fourth blizzard like day that Russell asked Laurie to be on horseback in this fall/winter season alone. Russ quipped with Laurie, “you must think I really like blizzards.”

This is Russ Saturday morning running the controls on our chute. (A few wayward cows over the years mean that the original lever handles have been knocked off and Russ grabs the controls using the vice grips we have adapted as handles.)

Our friend Steve ran the alley, keeping animals moving forward toward the chute. This was his first time doing this job and he did great.

After Morgan got cows up to the working area Ron and Tenley were in charge of getting them to the crowding tub, where they are standing in this picture. They did really well as a team, it has been fun to hear each of them talk about the other since these moments.

Laurie was in charge of doing the Vitamin A & D injections.

This is our friend Miles on the left and Trevor the veterinarian on the right. Miles was doing my job in this moment, applying Ivomec on the backs of every bred cow. (Those cows that are not bred might get sold, however we can’t sell a cow for forty days after application of the Ivomec which is a dewormer and a delouser). This meant I couldn’t daydream as I had to be super attentive to Trevor’s findings and wait to hear him declare “good” and then very quickly get the Ivomec applied before the cow was released from the working chute. Trevor used an ultrasound wand transmitting to the goggles on his eyes to determine if the cow was indeed “good”.

This was a super happy moment for me. We were done early, I got to put my feet up and relax with my worries soothed for this day. Out the window is Morgan, Tenley and Steve returning to the corral after moving the checked cows down to the valley.

Morgan and Jordanna at Filipino Christmas.

This morning…..a Dr. Dolittle moment reflecting Bingo and Russell’s relationship of adoration. Bingo more adoring than Russell. I could hear Buster the cat purring from where I was taking the picture. These moments shock me, dogs on my bed!!!!, but, we love them and somehow its okay.

As I wrap this up I am unsure how to do it. I have been distracted in these days by the meaningfulness of so many things that are unfolding, some of them mentioned here, many things not. I have been absorbed in recent days and months by the story of a Jesuit priest named Father Gregory Boyle. He runs a gang rehab in L.A. I think I have mentioned him before. I am re-reading one of his books right now and was struck by this sentence this week, “being alert to the sacred in our midst is a choice that gets more sure as we practice it.” A couple months ago I conducted a funeral for someone involved with the AA movement. I wanted to understand some of the AA precepts better and I did some research. I read a line that connected with me so strongly that I wrote it down and taped it to the shelf in front of me at my desk. It contains the word “practice” just as that first quote did saying, “the healing process isn’t a cure, its a practice that must be undertaken daily.” A man named Jim Haggerty wrote that. Somehow these two quotes affect my sense of permission to recognize how dogs on the bed, dirty coveralls and muddy boots filling my porch, sharing space with such a variety of people and working so hard alongside people I love is all sacred and part of my healing from grief and despair about the world. I recognize God in the love and in the gratitude that is really affecting my days.

Curtain Call

If you are a WordPress subscriber to the blog you will have already seen the link for this content in your email, under a different title. I have had a glitch with sharing on facebook and I am trying to get by it by duplicating the post and using a different title. Sorry for putting duplicated content in your email.

I am sitting in the Chopper K Auction Mart with Russ and Morgan. We are on hand to watch our calves sell. It is always a big deal to get to this day but with the market being very strong we have been holding our breath, hoping for things to keep until we got here.

The story of this day definitely starts with calving season. Here are a few pictures serving as reminders of the work of those days.

When the calves were small enough to sit on our laps.

A calf needed orthopedic help, Russ splinted with duct tape.

When the calves were small enough that Jill could throw one over her shoulder.

Many beautiful summer days and crisp fall ones, with a temporary return of winter for a week or so, got the calves a long way to being ready for sale day.

The predominant experience of recent days is gratitude. We have been experiencing mild weather. That can bring about some health challenges for a cow calf herd. We have been thankful to see ours remaining well. We worked closely with our animals over the last couple days with no injuries to report. I am always super grateful for that. We seem to have made it to sale day with markets holding strong. Gratitude.

Its the next day now…..our calves came into the ring and all blogging was finished.

It is always a little thrilling to hear Farren the auctioneer say, “we’ve got the Bar MW calves coming in next.” I don’t know how much of this is in my head and how much is real but it seems there is a particular feeling in the air at that point. It maybe arises from the fact that the buyers are engaged, we are on pins and needles, and we are proud.

We have a relationship with those calves. Its not the kind that makes me grieve when they are gone, this process stirs other things. I know I’m a bit of a whackjob but it’s like this huge drama unfolds every year at the ranch, there are so many roles and so much action. The calves are the heart of the action. After letting us know them through the vulnerability of their birthing days and all the ups and downs that follow, mostly ups for them, we watch them grow with a certain awe. In the fall they come home from summer pastures, our big cow chase crew has laid their eyes on each and every one of them. Alot of human and bovine protective instinct has been directed at them. Now, at the auction mart, as they enter the sale pen, it’s like the final scene at the Bar MW Ranch has taken place and this is their curtain call. They enter, and in our hearts we give them a standing ovation. After this they move behind and they are no longer ours. I don’t have grief, instead it seems gratitude for them is stirred.

The hours leading up to the sale held lots of action. This first set of pictures captures some of the faces and scenes as the herd came down the centre alley to be sorted.

Ron ran the gate that opened to the cows pen.

Laurie ran the gate that opened onto the heifer pen.

I ran the steer pen gate and a clicker counter.

We had a stunningly gorgeous morning to work. This was a huge contrast to last year when it was about -40 with the wind.

Russ sorted in the alley, he weaved some magic, at one point he was able to peel 8 heifer calves away from the pack and send them down to Laurie’s gate. This picture captures the moment when the cowboys had just advanced a fresh group of cows into the sorting area. It would quickly become less congested as cows moved out of the pack and Russ let them by to the gate where Ron was waiting to let them in.

This picture captures the cowboys after their big job of the day was done. Dwayne, Morgan and Crystal made sure we always had cows ready for the sorting pen. At this point they are helping to get the heifers moved around to the sorting pen again. We needed to decide which of these female calves we would keep instead of sell, so that they might become Bar MW cattle.

Amid great weather and markets we had another perk, a special visitor joined us this week. One of our Nova Scotia friends was here for several days. Crystal brought with her an abundance of humor, a heart the size of Texas, readiness for adventure, generosity and much appreciation for us.

I caught this picture of Crystal after she got off her horse.

After lunch and getting semis loaded Russ, Crystal and I got ready to go to Regina. Crystal had a plane to catch. The first leg of her journey was a ride with our wonderful trucker Harold. He gave her a glimpse of the semi experience. We followed him to the stop sign 5 miles west of us and then stole Crystal back. We left Morgan and Ron to load the last truckload.

We were relieved to get to Regina safely and with time to get supper before Crystal was due at the airport. Jill already had supper plans with friends, so we went to the same restaurant and admired her from afar. Russ and I found this comforting. (We recognize this is somewhat creepy🤭🥰).

After a quick hug with Crystal at the airport departures curb Russ and I got in the car and headed straight for the ranch. I am thankful our trip was very smooth. We were home and sleeping by midnight.

The next morning included farm jobs for all of us before getting to the auction mart to watch our calves sell.

We were connected virtually with Halifax, Carnduff and Regina while our calves were sold. In Regina Jill had the right mug for the day, and the timing of our calves selling lined up with her break at work. She was able to watch the first 100 sell. She sent us this picture.

I sat beside the sale pen for a bit while some of our calves sold. I needed one last good look at them. That allowed this closeup picture in the pen.

I was amused to hear Morgan’s spurs scraping against the stands. When I had a look at his boots I became obsessed with getting a picture of them. Those boots tell a story, and another one and another one and…..

So then I wondered about Russell’s boots. He had on his “go to town” boots.

And how about my feet? I found comfortable cowboy boots this summer and have been wearing them alot. I still struggle with whether I deserve to wear them when I don’t even know how to saddle a horse. Yesterday I noted something. At a point in the sale when the ring girl was struggling to get calves moving in the right direction I felt within myself the instinct and confidence to jump in that pen and get the job done. I stayed in my seat but my self concept clearly includes something that means I should wear the boots.

A celebration in the Chopper K Steakhouse, (attached to the auction barn) when we were all done selling. This is a pretty sweet moment. It was a bit of a tough fall for our marriage. We are finding our groove again.

The current Bar MW home crew. A shared moment of relief and joy.

It’s our tradition to get a “Kim handing us the cheque” photo when we are on hand to watch our calves sell.

Russ and I were at the bank this morning. I usually do the banking but I wanted Russ to have the thrill of the deposit this time.

Thankful all the way to the bank.

The story of this day definitely starts with calving season. Here are a few pictures serving as reminders of the work of those days.

Many beautiful summer days and crisp fall ones, with a temporary return of winter for a week or so, got the calves a long way to being ready for sale day.

Its the next day now…..our calves came into the ring and all blogging was finished.

The hours leading up to the sale held lots of action. This first set of pictures captures some of the faces and scenes as the herd came down the centre alley to be sorted.

Happy Thanksgiving

Its been a bit of a weird Thanksgiving. It has been a good and special weekend in its own way but not like you might think of when it comes to Canadian Thanksgivings.

The downer part first: We opened our eyes on Saturday morning with a bit of heartache hanging on from the week we had known. I conducted a funeral on Friday. It was for the husband of one of my friends. He was 75 but still too young and left quite a hole. During the week we received news that a woman in our community passed suddenly. I didn’t know her well at all, but Russ did and the sadness hit him hard and still is. We both feel for the families so much. On Wednesday I met with a friend of mine and her family to plan a funeral for later in the month. After that meeting I called Russ and said, “when are you going to be home? I need a beer.” He said, “Morgan’s not home, lets have charcuterie and forget about supper.” It wasn’t our healthiest meal.

Heartache was pretty close to us as Saturday dawned. However, we couldn’t linger and lolly. We had to get going. Russ was moving cows from one river pasture across the road to another and he invited some friends and family to join in doing it. It went well and they were back at the house for Brunch by 10:30. I was pretty much ready but had been boogie-ing to get to that point. It wasn’t my best brunch but not bad, I tried a yeast dough cinnamon bun for the first time in ages and had some challenges. It all worked out and we had some very fun visiting as the 13 of us sat around the table.

Saturday was a bit of an international day. One of the cowboys in the morning was new to us, a woman from Switzerland working on a nearby farm. Like Anja (our Swiss friend who joined us for six weeks of calving season), she is great on horses, positive, kind and we enjoyed her alot. Saturday afternoon had me heading to town to conduct a wedding, Russ was invited as well. It was a small wedding in the bride and groom’s home. There was a language barrier which I had accommodated by using google translate to make the whole wedding program in both English and Russian. I had thought I would pass my program to the couple after each part of the service and they would read to themselves what I had just said. It turned out that a guest was there who could read aloud the Russian, so we took turns through the whole ceremony, me reading out the English, she reading out the Russian and the bride and groom reading their vows to each other in Russian. It felt like such a culturally rich experience to hear the words of love and committment read in two such different languages. The part that sticks with me from that part of the day was how much the guest thanked me for letting her be part of it. I thought, “are you kidding me, you saved the day!” She asked for my copy of the ceremony. I just love the fact that I got to share the experience of being the bearer of holy words and I sense that these moments altered how this woman sees herself. Following the wedding we sat around the dining table and shared a meal that the bride and groom had prepared. It was delicious, healthy, perfectly prepared, and lovingly presented. It was topped off with two cakes, we were given generous pieces of both. Russ describes it as a feast and said he could not eat for the rest of the day, even when offered cupcakes in the evening. We visited at the table for a good long while, struggling with the reality of language barriers but finding the common ground of humor and pictures of our lives, shared from our cell phones. Marveling at each others live added to the quiet joyful feel of the event.

I had mixed feelings about the plans for Saturday night. We were invited to join Jordanna’s family at the Haunted Corn Maze at Pierson to celebrate her birthday. Jordanna is Morgan’s girlfriend and we appreciate her so much, so, of course we were going, however, I absolutely hate horror stuff. I told the guys I would just stay in the car while everyone was walking through. However, I let myself be talked into full participation and I was glad I did. It was a gorgeous night. Very cool and crisp fall air, a sky full of stars, and a walk through a maze of massively tall corn stalks meant some memorable moments. There were times to scream within the maze, I kind’ve gave myself permission to be dramatic and it was actually rather therapeutic. It was scary but not horrifying, I could handle that. Plus, Russ held my hand the whole time. At one point I checked my pulse on my watch, it was 152, I was clearly experiencing some stress, but overall it was just really unique and the night air was good for my soul. Afterwards we had a good visit back at the White’s place, we got to sing Happy Birthday to Jo and it topped off a pretty cool day.

Since Thursday I had been feeling like I was starting to get sick. But it stayed very low key and all was well. I got my jobs done. However, in the night it broke loose and I was very sick yesterday. I am still coughing and using the kleenex box alot but I have energy today. Its hard being sick. I only took 375 steps yesterday and I had to convince myself to do just about every one. At times like that I tend to thinking that I am never going to feel like myself again. But today dawned and Io and behold, I think I might just be able to tackle the week ahead. It was hard to message the friends who were having us for a Thanksgiving dinner and say, “sorry we can’t come.” There were no Thanksgiving flavors at our house this year, Russ did all the cooking, it was what he could quickly rustle up after getting off his horse. However, as this Thanksgiving weekend ends there is his efforts and more to be thankful for. Despite living my life in a quiet area where I have few formal opportunities I feel like life is really really interesting and I am very grateful for that.

I have not felt much like taking pictures this week, as I looked over my camera roll that was pretty obvious. However, there were lots of pictures there due to the groups I am part of. It struck me how much richer my world is because people share. I don’t always have the time or zip to say something in reply but the pictures move me. I am thankful that the world is made more large, I am allowed to see beauty and I get to see the faces of those I love because of what others can share and do share.

Jill was home this week and took lots of pictures of our creatures. When Jill posted this picture on the family chat I replied that someone needs to put words in Buster’s mouth. No-one rose to the challenge, but there is some definite sass in this picture.

My sister Jan sent this picture of paddleboarding at Osoyoos in B.C. This was part of her Thanksgiving time and it kind’ve blew my mind. The peacefulness of this scene is a bit of a balm for the soul. (Shared with permission).

Our Swiss friend Anja helped organize a huge festival in their canton. She sent lots of pictures and videos. This close up picture of a Swiss cow in the parade is pretty cool!

Near Saskatoon another of my sisters has alot of joy on her face in this garden moment. Its comforting for me to see these familiar faces. (Shared with permission).

When our Nova Scotia friends sent us this picture of their Thanksgiving turkey it told us they were thinking of us.

In ranch news, there is a new horse at our place this week. She is an 11 year old thoroughbred with a racehorse tattoo stamped in her lip. She came to us after Morgan rode her through the ring at a sale recently. He was helping out our Aunt Karen who was selling it. Well long story short, we didn’t buy it that day, but bought it from the buyer. We are thinking we have some pregnant horses around here, so in order to have the right amount of good riding horses next spring when its calving season we took the chance to get this one we feel good about. Morgan has been working with her alot this week and it is going well. Her name is Shadow but we are also referring to her as “Anja’s horse.” We don’t have a good picture.

Well that is the scoop here. It was an interesting week. Very interesting. As thankful as I am for that I am hoping this week means time at my desk and in my laundry room. There is build up in both places!

Playfulness

Almost a month ago my friend Deb and I took off for a few nights away together. We had a really good time. I mostly holed up in my room and worked on the book I am creating with Liz Griffin. Deb was a free spirit, on the loose in Minot, North Dakota, enjoying museums and shopping. We swam every evening and ate ice cream every day. Our time was full of delights.

As our days unfolded I found myself thinking about how playful my friend is. We have been friends for 46 years, somehow over those 46 years I had not put all the pieces together, or allowed myself to see, that my friend Deb has allowed her sense of play to touch her daily life in a multitude of ways.

After I got back home I settled back into normal life and while I did I thought about what I had really noticed about Deb. I pondered its source for her. I smiled at my memories. I decided that I wanted to do a tribute to her and her playfulness on Facebook. I got about half done writing it on my phone when it rang. After answering the call and returning to Facebook, I found the post I was working on had disappeared. Being completed emotionally challenged by the experience of frustration I gave up. Would I have more time another day? Maybe. I didn’t get to it but after a while I decided that a longer look at playfulness maybe could safely be attempted on the blog. I got started. I looked up a definition of playfulness and found these words in a Psychology Today article.

Playfulness is, in part, an openness to being a fool, which is a combination of not worrying about competence, not being self-important, not taking norms as sacred and finding ambiguity and double edges a source of wisdom and delight. So, positively, the playful attitude involves openness to surprise, openness to being a fool, openness to self-construction or reconstruction and to construction or reconstruction of the ‘worlds’ we inhabit playfully.

Bernard L. De Koven in Psychology Today

I have a picture, somewhere, of my friend Deb standing at my parents front door, dressed in her halloween costume. She was about 12 years old. She was dressed in a white clown suit with big colorful pom poms as the buttons and clown makeup, at least that is how I remember that picture. I have seen her in other clown pictures many times over the years. She has embraced what the above definition starts with, “playfulness…an openess to being a fool.” Deb has adopted an alter ego, a clown named Minerva whom she embodies occasionally at the long term care home where she is on the leadership team. Deb’s position, to the outside eye, is among those of highest status in the place, if you care about status. Deb has other things on her mind. She is absolutely passionate about creating quality of life for the elders in her midst at Sherbrooke Community Centre. One of her strategies is to spread joy, Minerva is a part of that. I was stunned to see this picture on Deb’s facebook when I was snooping there for clown pictures, Minerva even has her own nametag!! Her workplace takes her very seriously!

As our girls trip drew closer I was amused by Deb’s posts on Facebook. She had a countdown timer on her phone and enjoyed posting screenshots and her joy that our girls trip was at days and then hours away after being weeks and months from us at the start. I thought, “Deb, the way you are hyping this people are going to think we are going to Hawaii, we are only going to Minot!” Perhaps Deb appears a fool to be so thrilled by a place where we have been for daytrips so many times over the years. (Our ranch is only 90 miles from Minot.) She didn’t care, she was excited and she was telling the world and I am inspired by that.

While we were gone she delighted me with her joy. I was so friggin weary after an intense calving season. I really was mostly hunkered down and diving deep into my own world, I was happy but quiet and serious. In contrast to that Deb’s adventures had her returning to our place with a jubilant presence. Our place was a lovely 2 bedroom – 2 bathroom hotel room at Staybridge Suites. Many times Deb burst through the door, prompting me to amble out of my room, with much joy Deb shared her shopping finds and her pictures. I couldn’t help but be caught up in the joy of discovery. It was a testament to Deb’s depth and the wisdom she holds that as much as she played the fool she could switch gears in an instant and listen thoughtfully as I read her what I was writing. Her encouragement was very helpful to me. Her willingness to be moved by everything she encountered on this trip brought a whole level of positivity to our time that was already set to be pretty great.

I am analytical by nature. I know alot about Deb’s story. Both these things mean that the “why” question comes pretty quickly to me. Why is the picture below and the playfulness that sources it so completely natural to Deb?

She has just emerged from a global pandemic as a senior leader in a long term care home. She has just guided her youngest child through her grade 12 year. She has been supporting her husband through a career change in recent months. She is a woman in middle age. All these circumstances could make a person hard to be with. In addition she didn’t start out life from a pampered existence. As long as I have known her she has been shaped by the need to work hard, on herself and among her people. And from all that, she lands on my doorstep with a smile on her face, generosity and joy in her heart, love for my whole family and a thirst for adventure in her soul. I have a few theories about the why of this. I think in part its her wiring. She has an amazing brain extremely well suited to the place she works and its guiding norms. She is creative and flexible in her nature. However she has made choices. She kept a gratitude log on facebook a number of years back that spanned hundreds of days. Recently she has been logging her joy. Deb has practiced noticing and finding joy in everyday things, she has learned the power of gratitude. From the outside looking in it seems that every post has been like a seed that is blooming joy in her. She has also embraced meditation as a way to care for her inner life. Surely there are other things at play too. Deb has a very playful spouse and pets, this is something I relate to and I know makes a difference. Mostly though, I think Deb has made a choice, and there is joy blooming in her life, with a beautiful fragrance of playfulness because of her choices.

There is alot more that could be said. That definition above was lengthy and connected with more that I think about. Perhaps this is enough. I want to close with this picture that makes me smile. It was taken back at the ranch on our last night of our time together. It catches Deb’s animated expressions. It also catches the charcuterie board we were feasting on. We did charcuterie every night for supper on our trip. It seems to be our comfort zone. When we were girls we would haul the black and white 10″ TV to my bedroom or to the loft in our garage. We would get a plate of cheese, crackers and pickles organized and we would watch our show, “Dallas”. It feels like a blessing to have the chance to have a friend to share this much of life with and for that friend to be a source of joy amid everything.

There is a P.S. to this post. I sent Deb a copy of what I had written, looking for her permission to use the pictures and share the writing. She gave me the O.K. and sent two pictures. One is the halloween photo I mentioned earlier, I think she was actually older than 12. I see I remembered the details of the suit wrongly. She looks great though! She also sent the countdown timer to our next get away. She is well aware of the power of gratitude and embracing joy, it also turns out she grasps the power of anticipation really well!

I am betting those are my Dad’s shoes she borrowed for her costume.

A Big Day

It has been a weird, really weird set of days. The result of all that weirdness is that I have not been able to blog. Today was a bad day, it was also a good day and it has had the effect of getting me back to the blog, back to saying, “here is what its like to be me, ranching with my family.”

This morning our hired man Ron discovered a fire burning in the wall of our shop. That has completely shaped our experiences today. Can I share with you a bunch of captioned pictures? I think that will help to illustrate how it was a bad day but also a good day.

Russ got up before me this morning and was chatting loudly with the dogs when I rather growled from my pillow, “I was hoping to sleep in today.” That was about 6:30. Russ discovered we had no water supply to the house but found that the kettle was full. He brought me a coffee and started getting dressed to go suss out the water situation. I got my head on straight before our outside guard dog came in to tell me about her night and get some love. She was just so dear that I had to take her picture. This was at 6:59am. Within the minute we would get a phone call from Ron that the shop was on fire. We could see the shop easily from our bedroom window but did not see any evidence of fire. Ron was on his way to the wellhouse when he noticed the smell and then the fire as he passed by the shop. Russ called 911 but passed me the phone, he quickly finished getting dressed. Talking to 911 can be frustrating, you just want them to dispatch help but there are necessary questions to get answered. Its also a call you just never want to be making. My tracker watch tells me my stress shot up to 100 at that point.

This next picture is so random but at 7:17 Jill messaged the family chat wondering if someone could send her the recipe for biscuits. I was thinking, “not right now Jill, the farm is on fire.” But then thought again, I was up, I had nothing I could do, why not pull out my recipe file and get it to her. So I sent this at 7:19 and said nothing about what was going on. Its always tricky to know when and how to share hard news. I wanted a few facts before weighing down my far away girls.

At 7:23 the first fire truck pulled in. That is amazing. We are a 12 minute drive from the firestation in Carnduff. The volunteer firefighters woke up, got to the station, suited up and got to us 23 minutes after we dialled 911. It makes my stomach quiver as I write this. It just reminds me of how incredibly vulnerable we felt in those moments. Russ was out there thinking there is no way we can save the shop, we had acetylene, tractors and a skid steer all in the shop. We had our diesel and gas fuel tanks about 12 feet away from the fire, outside, and we had the heating fuel tank for the shop outside but right where the fire appeared to be. The worst case scenarios were running through Russell’s head. This was the picture I could grab from our front door. This picture was taken at 7:36am.

Russ grabbed this next picture from his perspective on the ground. I am not sure what time it was. The shop was absolutely smoke filled. The firefighters wore breathing tanks, when one got close to empty its alarm went off and the sound of that is something we have discussed a few times today. About these volunteers……Russ says, “when they come, they are your friends, neighbors and family, they come with so much love and respect for those they are helping.” They know their stuff and did amazing work, by 8am everything felt so much better.

Russ took this next picture of the firefighters assessing roof status, and the possibility of any fire remaining in the roof I believe.

I could not watch this action non-stop. Just too much. So I bumbled around the house, it had no power by that point, and put stuff away and kept myself busy. I prayed that the firefighters would have the wisdom, safety and strength that they needed. I kept checking back and at one point saw a truck whiz through the yard that looked just like Laurie’s truck. It was. He had heard from work that the fire department had requested water trucks and he came straight out. He is a person whose presence puts the rest of us at ease. I am sure that is why Russell grabbed this picture of him when everyone could breathe just a little easier.

When the fire department left this was the exterior damage. They were so careful to cause as little damage as they could while still rooting in to the fire itself. That huge smoky scene from the hour before looks unrelated to this patch of damage. There the heating fuel tank is, dangerously close. Russ had snuck in and turned the valve off on this tank before the fire department got there. He found it fairly warm.

A wee story: we had a guest in the house this morning. He had never visited our home before. As he rounded the corner from the hall into the kitchen he let out a small gasp, he admired the house. Russ walked him into the living room. With my back turned as I stood at a counter fussing over some coffee preparations I heard Russell say this, “my wife comes from Saskatoon, when she was a girl her family had a cottage where she spent her summers. Then she went and married a rancher. No time for lake holidays. So when we built this house we made her a room that feels like her cabin. And sometimes we have 30 cowboys home for supper, it all works out really good.” It is hard to describe how I felt as I heard those words of Russell’s. It was warm. It was soothing. It was a gift. What I heard in those sentences was the message, “I see her, I want her to feel good, I want to give her what I can.” I kept at my work, and fought back my tears. It was the best moment of my day.

The picture below is our cabin in the early 80s when it was being finished. It looks like we were having a reading party on the front lawn. The big deal about that space was what those big upper windows did for the space.

Back to 2022………the rest of this day has been spent taking care of business. I called in about insurance. I hate those kinds of jobs. Russ handled all he could relating to the fire and then turned to the reality that we had hungry animals to get fed. It was a huge stressor. A major piece in the day unfolding as well as possible is that our electrician re-arranged his life and was back and forth enabling us to keep going as much as possible by re-working electrical realities so that it was possible and safe to power our well house, fuel pumps and eventually light and some power to the shop. We could therefore keep our watering bowls going and our underground lines from freezing and get some heat in the shop. Major. It was -27 with the windchill today. At one point Russell phoned me and said, “when you see Morgan you gotta brag him up. He has done stellar today. He drove through a quarter section that had not been plowed, and didn’t get stuck, he backed into the chute for the first time in his life and didn’t get stuck there either, he got on his horse, went and found the cow and ran her into the corral and he loaded her into the trailer. Pretty good for a guy with a learners license. He was awesome. ” Later Russ called me and said, “I know its been a stressful day but you gotta go outside and see the sundog, its a double, its a little piece of beauty for us at the end of this hard day.” I was on my way out anyways so I went to the end of the lane to grab the picture. I didn’t catch the fullness of the sundog at all because I spotted Morgan backing into the corral to drop off the cow he had loaded at the calving pasture. Our poor cow Mary is having a tough time. She needs some TLC. Morgan handled getting her home. I was able to catch this picture of him in action with his trusty sidekick Coffee dog at his side.

The amazing sky with the lingering sundogs.

Once I got the sundog pic I went and called to Morgan, who had Mary unloaded in that short time, “Morgan, if I could make you any dessert you wanted tonight, what would it be?” There was a pause. From across the corral he called back, “rice krispie cake with brown sugar icing.” I headed straight in to do that. Earlier in the day I had been on the phone with Russell, I said to him, “I am thinking of making you butter tarts, would that suit you?” He said, “honestly, I don’t even care. I am so grouchy. I just wanna go to bed and I have 12 hours work left to do.” He wasn’t nasty, just honest. So Morgan got first choice on dessert action. He was pretty happy with the cake although this picture is not the best depiction of that.

By the time dessert rolled around Russ was pretty cheered up. Jeremy our electrician had worked his magic, Russ had some very supportive phone calls and our cows were fed. One of our friends had delivered hot pizza to us for supper. It was so delicious. The world felt okay. Russ was a little more interested in dessert. When he heard brown sugar icing was being prepped he suggested throwing some cookie dough slices in the oven (we bought a prepped box from Costco), he thought this was the perfect time to try a combo he had been thinking about….brown sugar icing on macadamia nut cookies, I believe he gives this Russ recipe a 9/10.

There were so many many emotions that were a part of our day. The one that breaks through and colors everything is gratitude. Is gratitude an emotion? Is it a perspetive or an action or is it all three? I am not sure. But this could have turned out so differently, we are reminded that every single day a very large volume of things goes right, today was not a day when every thing worked as it was designed to, something buggered up in our shop, but it happened at a time of day when we were pretty quickly able to notice and get help. We got help. So much help. So much help that came from caring hearts. No-one was hurt. We lost very little. We are so grateful.

Sorry this is so long. Just a bit more…..

Russ tested postive for Covid on Wedneday. I have remained negative despite our decision not to isolate from each other. He has been sick but has kept working almost as much as usual. Today he is five days past the start of symptoms so he can be out and about again. Kindv’e handy with 17 firefighters in our yard.

Jill (moved to Regina) and Gina (moved to Toronto) are both doing great and we are so happy, proud and relieved. However, having them both leave for such permanent destinations within 8 days of each other has been quite a bit harder on me than I thought it would be. I believe Russ has only cried once. Morgan is keeping his opinion about all this close to his chest.

Good night for December 18th, signing off from the Bar MW Ranch.

Day 3 of Calving 2022

Two days ago I reported on the blog that we had our first calf of the season. That wee one is still our only calf. Russ went all day without seeing it yesterday but came home in the evening feeling easy. He said the Mama, our cow named “Even” (the Norwegian form of Evan, named after a friend of mine in my Up With People cast) had her calf stashed somewhere. “How do you know its not dead?” I asked. “I can tell by how she is acting, everything is fine.” This morning he came in while the kids were having breakfast and reported that he had seen Even’s calf and it was doing very well and is oh so cute, so small it can practically walk under its Mom’s stomach. I felt impressed with Russ’s accurate read of the situation yesterday.

This morning when Russ went to put the dogs out he found it had rained. A sound of jubilation came from the porch. In fact, it has turned into a rainy, at times snowy kind of day. I had hoped to sit at my desk this morning but when Russ cited the weather as a good reason to go to town for breakfast, I agreed. We got a couple of crucial errands done and had some very good visiting with a friend we ran into at the restaurant. We have travelled wide in the last month and never have found a breakfast better than the one we enjoy at the Flying M Diner. We checked the cows on the way home and found no new calves, though some pretty full looking girls were grazing. We sure love seeing our cows looking content, they have put in such a winter, I made sure to tell then how impressed I was with them when I saw them today.

Here are a few pictures of how things look on Day 3.

Coffee dog takes cows checking seriously.

Here is our cow named “Cowabunga” at a spot in the pasture that collects water at times. Russell calls it Lake Katherine. Today Russell told me this cow loves it when people shout her name out loud.🤣

The cows are just hanging out today. That’s Kathy with bedding in her mouth.

The Cowboy cottage in its official spot for calving season.

Yesterday it was moved from the yard to the pasture.

When we got back from town we got down to doing some inventory and getting a list ready for our order from the vet clinic. We were assessing what we need for tags, vaccines, vitamins, rings, and ralgro. Russ is struggling with his glasses prescription at this point so asked me to read the expiry date on a bottle of vaccine. It was June 2022. “That is this year right?” was Russell’s response when I informed him of the date. I looked at him funny. Trying to normalize his fuzziness about this a bit I said, “Covid makes time all wonky doesn’t it?” He said, “nah, I have never been good with dates. I still write 1988 on cheques sometimes!” Oh Russell……you keep us giggling. Russell would like to report in that on day 3 of calving he has just had a haircut, he is clean shaven and as rested as he will be for a while. There is sure to be some changes to this status as the season unfolds, but for now he headed out the door for afternoon work feeling pretty fine in clean laundry.

Today we are thankful for every drop of moisture we have received, for good coffee and for friendship.

Superstition

One of my favorite children’s books called “Something from Nothing” uses the repeating phrase “its time to throw it out.” I am reminded of that as I consider the green fruit on my counter. However I’m having such a hard time throwing it out. Through that still good looking watermelon I am being forced to confess to myself that I have a problem and its called superstition. I am not okay with this, but its real.

The watermelon came to our home the long weekend in August when my friend Deb visited from Saskatoon. Laden with treats and supplies she blew in with the summer wind, that watermelon in her hands. Morgan and I are the only people at our place that really like watermelon, so, I was waiting for the right time to cut it up, until there were a few more watermelon lovers around. The dumb thing is I didn’t put it in the fridge. Well, the right time to cut it never came and there it sat. I didn’t have the resolve to throw it out when 10 days had gone by and its fresh time had passed. And it sat. I noticed it was a great place to kill flies, it attracted some and was a firm backdrop for the swatter to do its work. It was earning its keep. By the end of August I was ready to say that overall our crew was doing better. We had been able to figure out our feed crisis, there had been some rain, we had some fun. I couldn’t help but think that it seemed that ever since that watermelon arrived in our life everything felt better. So I looked at that watermelon and thought, “can I throw it out?” And my immediate reaction was “no, not going to do that.” With a few things coming up that I am nervous about I really and truly am having a hard time throwing out that watermelon. That is the dumbest thing I ever heard. But its not the only thing I am superstitious about. I have had pedicures on my feet about four times in the last 15 years. The first and fourth times were followed by events that were extremely hard. So…………although I have a gift certificate to get a pedicure, I am waiting until I have a window where I can risk whatever may follow.

These thoughts and actions, or lack of actions, do not line up with what is at my core. I believe in God. I believe that no matter what life throws at me, God is with me. I don’t believe that there is a force for chaos that can be held at bay by the presence of a watermelon or turning down pretty toe nails. I think that what all this reveals is that I am feeling pretty vulnerable. I am so incredibly thankful for the events that go right, where hope is allowed to flicker and shine. I don’t want those moments where things are right and where hope is brewing to come to an end, so, I am turning to the concrete things that are in my power to hold the ship steady. I mistakenly think that is the presence of a large green mass on my counter, (that is likely rotting on the inside.) That leads to a good concrete question, what is within my power for holding the ship steady? For keeping good momentum going?

My life experience tells me that not much can control the cirumstances so that trouble never comes, but somehow the negative impact of troubling times is reduced by a couple things and these I should stay focused on. One is gratitude and the other is love. There is a part of the Bible that I have found both inspiring and challenging, it advises, “give thanks in all circumstances.” The older I get the more I agree with that. The other thing in the Bible is “love your neighbor”. If I keep showing up and loving as best as I can I will likely have much more influence on my life experiences than I will by making that watermelon on my counter a priority decor item.

Four more sentences that go another level deeper with all this. When Russ and I talked about this post he challenged me, “How important is it to be freed from trouble?” His point, that alot of good things come from hard things and hard times. We appreciate the good times better because of the hard times. I think he is absolutely right, but, still a bit shell shocked from the challenges of the last months and years I will not be looking for any trouble anytime soon. However somehow I have to muster the wisdom and maturity to throw out my watermelon. Maybe tomorrow. Until then I commit to showing up, loving my neighbor and saying thank-you.

Day 8 – Postcards from the Heart

Dear Mom,
-There are many things I like about this picture, the enjoyment of Russ that I see in my face, the rustic home-y-ness of the cottage, the presence of our favourite wine and food – chips + dip! There is a glowing light in the midst.
-I have enjoyed very much the time that you and I have spent at the table. Our conversations have been both deep and light, our prayers have been important, but I can’t really put more words to that then just those.
-What is the glowing light in our midst that casts such a sense of safety + charm? I believe it is your ever present sense of gratitude + blessedness. It has shed light on the Kyle family table for as long as I can remember. I want to always remember this.

Liz Griffin took this picture on June 20, 2020 at the tail end of a day of working cows, kayaking and wife carrying (as seen in previous postcards).

This postcard is the 8th in a series of 22 blogs called “Postcards from the Heart”, this series arrises from circumstances detailed in the post called “Postcards from the Heart – Day 1”.